Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
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if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Mike is short for Micycle
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.