Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

me: I want to buy some drugs

dealer: are you a cop

me: would I get a discount

Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

Oh yeh? Explain this then

Woke up with morning Yule Log

You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails

if someone has a question, I do not want to know

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.