@venkaiceprinces: Looks like I'm finally going to meet my twitter crush, don't know if I should diet or let him find out the hard way Im good w camera angles
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@flashember: WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt. THERAPIST: Is this true? PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT'S TRUE I'M A BALL OF NEEDLES
@omically: "Gary give me the gun" "I thought you had it" "I TOLD you to bring it" "I didn't" "who brought the getaway car?" -Disorganized crime
@trumpetcake: Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor's sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
@KeetPotato: wife: "remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?" me: [making cup of tea] "no im not" burglar: "two sugars please"