@venkaiceprinces: Looks like I'm finally going to meet my twitter crush, don't know if I should diet or let him find out the hard way Im good w camera angles
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@SaltyCorpse: Once again I've managed to poke myself in the eye with my own finger like my eyes have not been in the same goddamn spot for forty five goddamn years.
@TheTweetOfGod: On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
@thatUPSdude: Me: Want some of my nachos? Coworker: I don't like nachos. Me: Hello 911, what's consider premeditated murder?