Looks like I’m finally going to meet my twitter crush, don’t know if I should diet or let him find out the hard way Im good w camera angles

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Husband: I’ll unload the dishwasher for you, honey.

Me: No rush.

3 days later…….regrets saying no rush.


If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you’re angry about oxygen and numbers.


“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”


Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens


Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”

15: “ya”

Me: “What colour’d you use?”

15: “I used orange.”

Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”

– mac n cheese has it’s own language.


This girl tweeted “You might be ghetto if you bring outside food into the movies.” …No, you might be stupid if you pay 4.99 for Skittles.


one of my goals in life is to be on such bad terms with a person that i have to watch their funeral from a distance behind a tree


Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.


You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.