@venkaiceprinces

Looks like I’m finally going to meet my twitter crush, don’t know if I should diet or let him find out the hard way Im good w camera angles

You Might Also Like

@amazymay72x

Husband: I’ll unload the dishwasher for you, honey.

Me: No rush.

3 days later…….regrets saying no rush.

@GrumpyCatsMind

If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you’re angry about oxygen and numbers.

@UncleDuke1969

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

@njlitigator

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

@ValleyEric

Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”

15: “ya”

Me: “What colour’d you use?”

15: “I used orange.”

Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”

– mac n cheese has it’s own language.

@mattwhitlockPM

This girl tweeted “You might be ghetto if you bring outside food into the movies.” …No, you might be stupid if you pay 4.99 for Skittles.

@KeetPotato

one of my goals in life is to be on such bad terms with a person that i have to watch their funeral from a distance behind a tree

@Fact

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

@apok842

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.