I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
You Might Also Like
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Rather alarming headline…
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich