Looks like it’s time to find a friend with benefits*
*backyard chickens
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I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
The symmetry is uncanny.
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
