Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
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Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
meow
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy