looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
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What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
HELP 😭
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
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[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.