looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
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[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!