looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
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me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
What?
Worst Native American name ever.
