Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
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Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you