Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer

me: were they favorable

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot

date: what kind of books?

me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*

This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”

Not paying bills.

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.

The cat: Bet

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?