looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
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One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
me as a parent
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
I’m the neighbor
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh