looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
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“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.