Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

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-Librarians arguing

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me:

*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no