Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: I’m really into dark humor

me, turning off the lights:

wanna hear a joke

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

My dad is in Hawaii for travel…

stopped to pee at a McDonner’s

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.

The answer is funnier than the question

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

new record!

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*

My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.

Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.

posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.