Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
You Might Also Like
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin