Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
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pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning