looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
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Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.