looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
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[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
What if all the cashiers are married?
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”