looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
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Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Just ordered me some pizza!
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued