Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
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Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Breaking news:
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.