Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
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Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
✌🏽
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Bear knowledge
