Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
You Might Also Like
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
i hope my email finds you on fire
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle