Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
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“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way