Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.

Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?

Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?

Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.

Librarian: Nice try, pal.

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.

Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?

Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment

He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach

I hate celery. 🤮🥴

A great tip. #CakeRex

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.

I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.

“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.