*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
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I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
I drew y’all a little something.
