*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
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Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
no one likes gloating
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
No Google it does not
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE