*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
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Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes