Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep

Job interviewer: …and a weakness?

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.

Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!

Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

(Creating Atheists)

God: Make some humans Sciencey

Angel: Will they believe in you?

God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.