*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
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I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone