[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
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Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Good dog. ❤️
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!