Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

All set.

I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.

6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

Husband: *dies laughing*

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.