Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?

A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.

me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika

[Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….