Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.

someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.

my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

Me: 3 miles today.

Him: On the treadmill?

Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.

White parent Vs Arab parents

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.