@squirrel74wkgn

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

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@HatfieldAnne

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

@SteveSuckington

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

@myonlymizztake

When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

@dreadnaught69

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

@JohnCleese

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

@_Water_Baby

My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.

@Sickayduh

[Ring]
“Expert Namer Guy”
You the dude that named anteater?
“Yep”
I got a bug. Not moving. Has wings though.
“Mayfly”
*muffled* oh he’s good

@CornOnTheGoblin

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means