*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
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“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
adding to the discourse
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud