*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
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One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
SCARY COSTUME
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
guilty
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR