Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

Never forget.

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

50 shades of grey = my Liver

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

“Huge”.

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

Me: kill me now!

Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you

Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.