Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

Girl, same.

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.

[2AM]
ME:

WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase

My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.

i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook

Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?