Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”

and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.

If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.

DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad