Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.

The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.

(first date)

Her: I love Star Trek

Me: Me too!

Her: What’s your favourite part?

Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.

PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story

AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?

Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store