*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
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It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
crochet youtube is brutal
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Facebook marketplace is a different world