*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Möther may I have a snäck
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok