*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
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I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.