*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
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I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
*mops up wine with cat*
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
#Caturday
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.