*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
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turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
what does he know…
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.