*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
You Might Also Like
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Penguins walking in 5x speed
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.