*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
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The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs