*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
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Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted