*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
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Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.