Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”

Pence: “Fewer!”

Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”

It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes

My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.