Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.

WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it

~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews