*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
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Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.