Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

What a chick magnet..

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.

Names the boat Hell Sinky.

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”

On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!

nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet

If snakes were wide

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼