LOOOOOOL
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“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
lol
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I would like even faster food.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I need this for my side hustle.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?