LOOOOOOL
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If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”