“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
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my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.