Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
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Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]