Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

Corn Dogs: Uninserted

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

How did we decide to go with cockpit?

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.

Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems

“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

Wife: our toddler just hit me.

Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.

[later]

Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-

Daughter: I’m sorry.

Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.

ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla