Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
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We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
do what now??
me watching my own Instagram story
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
you stereotypes are all alike
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank