Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
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It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Bobby pin
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.