Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster

tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken- what

Me: what

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so

I PASSED THE BAR!

On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.

MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

Proctology is located in A55

“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”

In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.

In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.