Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
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I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)