Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
You Might Also Like
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I am HOWLING at this
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah