Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce