Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.
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Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Who did it better?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods