Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

i wish all

whales

a very

big

Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.

I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

[Interview]

Me: I really need the paycheck

Him: This is an unpaid internship.

Me: Do you provide snacks?

Him: Um, yes

Me: Keep going…

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.