Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.
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Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
What kind of a cult is this?
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.