Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.
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dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
☠️ ☠️
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
The Sun
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that