Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man

My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.

Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.

Me: What should I wear on my date

Friend: An expensive dress shirt

*Later*

Me: Hi

Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown

Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”

IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?

Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?

CEO: Genius!

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”