Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pelicons

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob

Me: Why?

11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes

𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡

Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”

Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐

And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣

Peace was never an option

My safe word is Worcestershire

saw this in a dream

I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076