Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
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I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?