Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.

*rolls up sleeves*

*gets high on sleeves*

Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

What do you call a zombie who stir fries?

Dead man wokking

I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

Be the change!!

*loosely falls to the floor*

*quarter spins*

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon

surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!

never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.