Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
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Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
motivation
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids