Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
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WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
I don’t like papier-mâché because it exposes children to both glue and French.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?